All the Better for It!

"Too often the weakest thing about our faith is the illusion that our faith is strong, when the 'strength' we feel is only the intensity of emotion or of sentiment, which have nothing to do with real faith...Place no hope in...the inspirational preachers of Christian sunshine, who are able to pick you up and set you back on your feet and make you feel good for three or four days...Faith is much deeper, and it must be deep enough to subsist when we are weak, when we are sick, when our self-confidence is gone, when our self-respect is gone...True faith must be able to go on even when everything else is taken away from us." -Thomas Merton

This quote captures a great portion of my life in 2012.  Emotion, Faith, Hope, Weakness.  Here are some thoughts and reflections...

Emotion - I've taken a gazillion personality tests....o.k., gazillion might be a slight exaggeration, but I have had my fair share.  In most personality tests, they determine whether you are a thinker or feeler.  I don't only lean toward being a feeler, I'm like, 99.9% feeler!  I continually am challenged to embrace the way God has created me, but this year especially, how I am to thrive in the person I'm created to be versus survive.  You see, in the past, at times, when something would bring me to a place of sadness or anger I would then be annoyed at myself for feeling the way I did.  "How stupid I am!?  What is wrong with me?  I'm such an emotional basket case!  I'm a wimp!  Why is it so hard for me?  Get a grip!"  My feelings would then escalate and it would turn from bad to worse.  Now, I am thankful to be in a place where I see the value in respecting the feelings I have, giving time to them.  It has required me to be completely honest with myself in figuring out why I feel the way I do, to get to the real heart of the emotion.  In turn, I've had to battle some serious pride and a few other things {nervous chuckle}.  Embracing the process and the learning that comes with it is also something worth valuing.  We live in a society of instant gratification which is harming us on so many levels, and one of those levels is our emotional health.....AND remember, 'emotions are indicators, not dictators'.

Faith - I just recently finished the novel, The Twelve Tribes of Hattie.  At the end of the book it says, "Hattie believed in God's might, but she didn't believe in his interventions."  Boy, could I resonate with that statement a year ago!  Although, I would have said, "...interventions, or the lack there of."  And I certainly acknowledged His might, I was just scared to death of it and what else he had 'up his sleeve.'  My faith was SHAKEN!  My emotions were wild and raw!   I was mad, sad, broken, and a wave of hopelessness brought me the lowest I've ever been.  In perfect timing, in the mail, we received a publication from DTS titled, Drawing Near When God Seems Far.  It was no accident that it showed up at our door when it did!  In it were great articles, but even more, it mentioned some really great resources.  I immediately went into 'fighting' mode, my emotions were NOT going to get the best of me!  I took a drive to the book store, got some books, and retreated from life.  Sometimes you have to retreat....for an afternoon, a month, or maybe a whole season.  Christ retreated, so I figured this could be a good thing:)  It was a big step for me to retreat, but I was that desperate.  From the resources suggested, one book that especially spoke to me was, A Long Obedience in the Same Direction by E. Peterson.  THIS is where I began to see faith for what God intended it to be, and not basing my faith on how I *feel* at the time.
In the book, E.Peterson says, "'Fear' God.  Reverence might be a better word.  Awe.  The Bible isn't interested in whether we believe in God or not.  It assumes that everyone more or less does.  What it is interested in is the response we have to Him:  Will we let God be as He is, majestic and holy, vast and wondrous  or will we always be trying to whittle him down to the size of our small minds, insist on confining Him within the boundaries we are comfortable with, refuse to think of Him other then in images that are convenient to our lifestyle?"
I certainly felt out of control, but in that, acknowledged God's control.  Prov 29:25 "The fear of man brings a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord shall be safe."  I'm not gonna lie,  it takes endurance to build back trust, trust in a God that says He is good and perfect but all around you feels hopeless.   If we really are to let God be as He is, it takes humility....faith in Him, and what He can do around us and through us.

Hope - In hope, there is waiting.  Romans 8:24-25 says, "But hope that is seen is no hope at all.  Who hopes for what he already has?  But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently."  In hope, there is the unknown.  I would read the Bible, and hold on to the promises....with gritted teeth and tight fist!  I wanted to hope with a sense of confidence, peace and joy.  I think real hope came for me in the stories of the Old Testament.  There was a time early in the year when my oldest son was sharing with me what he was learning about the Daniel story in church.  After we conversed about it, I pondered the story some more and it came to life.  "Yes, Daniel was rejected by man and God preserved him - AND the King finally fell to his knees in awe of God!"  There was Joseph and Jonah, Job and David, Rahab and Ruth.  Of course, we see the end to their stories.  In the midst of their stories is grief, confusion, frustration, doubt, and much more.  It took endurance, devotion, discipline...and hope in the journey for them.  The Old Testament is NOT boring:)  The stories came ALIVE this year like never before.  Just like faith, understanding hope for what it truly is, is essential to emotional health.
"Hope...going about our assigned tasks, confident that God will provide the meaning and the conclusions....it is the opposite of desperate and panicky manipulations, of scurrying and worrying" - Long Obedience in the Same Direction

Weakness - "There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven."  Ecc 31  There are times when we feel strong and there are times when we feel weak.  It's alright to feel weak at times, what matters is what we do with it.  I don't want to live hopeless, angry and anxious.  I don't want my identity to lie in worry all the time.  What good is that to myself or anyone else?!..... I love to be at a place now where I can reflect and see beauty in weakness.  My desire is to give God glory and to live out the life He has in store for me.  With that said, in my times of weakness I have experienced what scripture says, and that is that "He quiets us with His love" (Zeph).  Also, in some of my greatest times of weakness I have experienced growth/sanctification/transformation/renewal in my life.  I'm so thankful for it....now:). (2 Cor 12)

A year of emotion, faith, hope, and weakness, and all the better for it!

 (Shout out!! - to a handful of friends that lent an ear, to my Dr. that HIGHLY recommended some medication to get over the hump:), and my 'rock'-a.k.a. my husband).